Chapter 7 *Harsh critiques are recommended!
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“What the heck did you give me?” she tried to scream, but her mouth wouldn’t cooperate. She sensed his face less than an inch away from hers, felt his warm breathe on her face. She felt his warm, callused hands touch her cheeks, tilting her face upwards. When his lips were just a hairbreadth away from hers, Alexandra saw a small amount of blue mist-like substance drifted up out of her mouth, illuminating the mans lips for a second before it entered them. Her eyes drooped until they finally shut, her body going completely limp.
“Are we taking her back with us, Marcus?” asked a deep voice. Two centaurs walked out from between the trees; the one who spoke held a lit lantern.
“Yes,” said Marcus. “We can wait until tomorrow to take her back home. It’ll be easier to explain everything to her in the morning, when she’s gotten some rest.”
“So we’re pretty much kidnapping her, then?” the same centaur asked.
“Well,” said Marcus as he picked Alexandra and her dagger up off of the ground, “I wouldn’t call it kidnapping. Would you, Morningflower?”
“Of course not,” Morningflower said. “She passed out, and we’re taking her back to camp to let her rest. Why would you say such a thing about us, Daggerclaw?” She said, smiling.
Daggerclaw sighed. “I’m only going along with this because we can’t risk exposing ourselves just yet,” he said, mumbling to himself. He followed Morningflower, Marcus and Alexandra deeper into the woods.
Daggerclaw held onto Alexandra as Marcus climbed the tree and sat up in one of the tall branches. He cupped his hands around his mouth and cawed. Once he got an answering caw from farther south, he jumped down from the tree, not making a sound as he landed. He scooped up Alexandra in his arms again and carried her into the direction of the opposing cawing. As soon as they reached a large oak tree, they turned and entered the campground. Marcus went inside his tent, placing Alexandra on his cot and covered her with a blanket. When he went back outside, he could see campfires lit all around; the smell of smoke and burning food reached his nose, making his empty stomach growl. He ignored it and went in search of Silverleaf and Virago, who were in Kaidas' tent discussing defense and offense strategies. He entered the tent to see them all huddled around maps and other important pieces of paper.
"Amplexor, Elementum." Virago put her fist to her heart. Marcus did the same, bowing slightly. "We couldn’t wait for you any longer. If you don't mind, we've already started working out our plans."
Marcus nodded. "I agnosco, Virago. I had something very important to do."
“Oh really?” asked Kaida, irritation flashing in her eyes. “Like what?”
Marcus scratched the back of his head. “Um…”
“Well, spit it out! Get on with it! We don’t have all night!” Kaida snapped.
“I went to get Alexandra.”
“Alexandra? She wasn’t supposed to know about us yet! What the hell were you thinking!?”
“Oh, back off. I was on patrol with Daggerclaw and Morningflower in the outskirts of the woods when a Steelback attacked her. I saved her and brought her back here. She’s sleeping in my tent tonight.”
“Consuetudo?” whispered Virago to Silverleaf.
Marcus whipped his head around to face Virago. “No, we are not lovers! I barely even know the girl,” he muttered. “She’s staying in my tent tonight because I wasn’t sure what Kaida would say about taking her back home and letting everybody else see me, or letting her go back home by herself and letting her tell everybody else she saw me. So I had to make her fall asleep by force so she could get some rest. I gave her a muscle relaxer, too, so it would be easier for her.”
Kaida sighed. “Just make sure you give her part of her soul back by morning,” she said.
Marcus nodded.
“Well then, where are you sleeping tonight, amiculus?” asked Virago. “Since you aren’t an amator to this young woman, surely you do not intend to sleep inside with her, no?”
“I’ll sleep either outside or on the other end of the tent. But right now, we have work to do,” Marcus answered as he bent over the map.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
When Alexandra woke up, she was confused. She was lying on a cot with a fur-lined blanket on top of her, and she could see the faint shadows of leaves on the top of the animal-skinned tent. Then, suddenly, last nights’ events hit her. Alexandra tore the blanket off her and sat up while looking around. She saw a neat, folded pile of clothes and her dagger lying near the entrance of the tent. She picked up the pile and took the piece of paper labeled ‘Alexandra’ off of the top. Looking around the tent, she spotted a wash bin and a large bucket of hot water along with a hairbrush. Eyeing the torn, dirt stained clothes that she was wearing, Alexandra sighed, putting the clean clothes on the cot and taking off her filthy ones, throwing them in a corner. After she washed her hands and face with the sponge and brushed her hair, she plucked the first piece of clothing out of the pile and held it up, examining it. The tunic was rather large; it looked like it was made for more of a man’s body type. Nevertheless, she put it on. It billowed out, away from her petite figure as it settled on her body, the bottom hem lying directly above her knees.
This looks like a nightgown, not a tunic, Alexandra observed as she tried on the second pair of clothing. Keeping the tunic underneath, she cinched up the breeches with the leather belt it came with, tucking the end of the belt in back of itself. She put on the clean pair of stockings as well, rolling up the bottom of the pants and shoving them into her boots when she had put them on.
After she braided her hair, Alexandra took her dagger from the bed, poking her head out of the tent. She saw dozens of other tents scattered around with little campfires, all littered with elves and centaurs. She’d never seen so many in one place before. All around them were humans, too. Everybody was doing something productive—making and sharpening weapons, practicing fighting skills, gathering firewood….She walked outside warily, trying to remember when she entered the campsite.
“Hey. You feeling any better?” asked someone behind her.
Without a second thought Alexandra spun around and tackled the person, knocking him to the ground. She balled the front of his shirt in her fist and pressed the dagger to his neck. The man felt her hand tremble, and her voice shook as she spoke. “Where am I? Who are you?” she asked through clenched teeth. The man saw blinding fear in her eyes.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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right, here i am to do my copy editor act.
kay since i haven't really read much (any) of the other chapters im gonna focus on flow and grammar rather than plot and realism.
just one punctuation, please, any more it just looks and reads badly, no matter what the emotion you may be trying to get across.
drop the slightly, adverbs in general shouldn't be used. in this case it isn't necessary we get the idea without it so drop it.
you can probably break that up into a couple of sentences. and on a weird side note: this guy sure knows how to show a lady a nice time
drop both finally and completely. if you just say her body went limp it sounds like they whole thing went limp, no muscles, dead weight style so lose completely. finally isn't necessary, if you just say drooped until they shut most readers will assume the rest.
drop newly it is irrelevant and it sounds terrible to be honest. your writing should make any adverbs redundant if it hasn't either you need some rewrites or it isn't important enough to put in the story.
i don't think you need the same. if you want to keep it fine but it don't think you need it there.
comma after marcus.
say 'he said, mumbling to himself' mumble isnt a strong dialogue verb. He said/She said is divine (thnx to Stephen King on that one)
this probably could be two sentences.
this is the exception on the adverb rule, this one is incredibly hard to remove, toy around with it and see if you can remove barely, but if it doesn't work just keep it.
is the whole right turn thing really necessary? you could just say that they made a turn and that would sound more professional.
agnosco? i don't think that's a real word. or is it one of the made up fantasy titles or something like that?
I don't like the irritation in her eyes part. maybe you could put that in a sentence after ward. i think its fine where it is its just i don't like it.
yet he feels perfectly fine knocking her unconscious and dragging her off in the comapny off two centaurs to a camp of people who don't even want her there. somehow the barely know each other thing seems a little ... weird? irrelevant? right...anyway drop the mttered make it said and describe the mutter afterward
asked can stay 'cause it isn't exotic dialogue but answered is a little borderline, your call.
warily is an adverb so i recommend you drop it. not to mention why is she so wary around a sdrap of paper. ACK! scary doodle! sorry that was mean
okay im not a girl, but even so and if i were one, im not sure as to whether i would go stripping in the middle of some weird camp and take a bath... just me. really im not a prude but this just seems a little unrealistic for anyone.
try to drop warily. its hard here because you don't have anything before it to describe how she walked without resorting to adverbs.
drop clearly it really isn't necessary.
kay overall,
not having read any of the other chapter this still made sense to me. ... not much more to say after that except for Alexandra really taking the kidnapping in stride. it seems a little weird. nice suspense all through out the piece. good job. 8/10.